Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
