I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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