I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
please come you make the beer taste better
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
