The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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