I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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