ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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