my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
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