apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
