whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
