thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
