I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize