Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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