May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
