he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize