Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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