highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize