u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
