Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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