1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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