i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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