I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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