I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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