I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
