Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
