in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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