I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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