She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
