im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
