i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Randomize
