Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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