i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
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