The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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