I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
