I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
