Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
