I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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