Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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