just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
