So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
