Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
