Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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