I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
