I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
