the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
