God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
