I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
