He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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