I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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