new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
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