i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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