We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
