Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
