By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
