Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
