Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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