I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
