You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
