did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
