for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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