No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
